If I Had An Eye

If I had Eyes ( Jack Johnson )

If I had an eye in the back of my head
Everyone would just stare at me as they walked away
Then they would find a local policeman
And have me arrested and taken away
The lesson to learn
from the story I tell
If you’re a little different, They’ll make your life a living hell

Life isn’t fun for an alien
No matter how many times you been around the sun
Of all the places in the galaxy
This is the only place not nice to me
No matter what I do or say, they always take me away

I always do no harm as I try to fit in
The way the story ends is how it begins
They look at me and think, am I a man or a girl?
But they don’t realize I’m from a different world
I think the only way to make my life not so hard
Is that I have to break down and get a green card
I guess that’s the only way
For me to stay, stay, stay

Life isn’t fun for an alien
No matter how many times you been around the sun
Of all the places in the galaxy
This is the only place not nice to me
No matter what I do or say, they always take me away

They always take me away
They always take me away
They always take me away

Dear Santa ( I Can Explain )

Dear Santa, I can explain
It all started with a carton of chow mein
When you think how it happened
I know it will give you a chuckle
You’ll laugh so hard you might burst a buckle

Half past 6 on this Christmas Eve
Minding my own business, you got to believe
Just walking in the snow with my take out Chinese
When a great big snowball hit the back of my knees

Then in slow motion, my dinner did fly in the wind
Two egg rolls, chow mein and my Kung Pao chicken
High up into the air then down to the Earth below
When it landed on a Pizza Guy, whose name was Joe

The hot entree blinded his bi focal vision
And the pizza he was carrying, it went whizzing
The delivery he held flew over the street
Where the pepperoni frisbee, a bus it did meet

The driver never saw it till it hit the windshield
Causing him to swerve as he grabbed the wheel
Trying to avoid hitting any ladies and gents
Instead he ended up on a fire hydrant

This Mass Transit Strike started the water to flow
High up in the sky and down to the street it did go
But as it came down it didn’t splatter, but clink
As it turn the whole block into an Ice Skating Rink

Everyone started to slip and spin around
And they looked like Barnum and Bailey Circus clowns
As the snow still fell on everyone’s frontal lobes
The whole place looked like a life-size Snow Globe

As Christmas music did fill the air
Everyone turned to me and gave me a stare
Instead of giving looks that could kill me on the spot
They all shook my hand and thanked me a lot

No one was hurt after my domino effect
They all were happy, instead of being upset
They said up to this point the Christmas spirit wasn’t here
But after what happened, they found the Holiday cheer

The rest of the night was festive and gay
A perfect pre celebration for Christmas Day
During the warm well wishes and seasonal hugs
I felt a small pair of hands give me a tug

I looked down and saw a little boy
Holding a Mach 3000 Snow Launcher toy
He was crying hard as his tears they did freeze
And he looked so scared, as he said to me

” I’m really sorry Mister. I made such a mess.
Who knew that one snowball could lead to all this.
When Santa finds out, I’ll be on his naughty list.
And I can probably forget about any future Birthday Wish”

He sat down in the snow and put his hands to his chin
And it reminded me when I was a boy way back when
So I joined him on the curb amongst all the holiday tidings
Thinking how I could help him on Christmas Eve, to stop crying

Then a thought had appeared like a Star of Wonder
I knew how to take care of this seasonal blunder
Taking out my cell phone, I started to text
Saying to the boy, ” I’ll take care of this mess”

“Me and Kris Kringle, ” I said, ” We have a history, him and me”
As I typed 5 little words, for the little boy to see
It brought him a smile and released all his pain
It simply read
Dear Santa, I can explain

How Can You Be So Mean and Nice ( At The Same Time )

Don’t understand you baby, how can you be this way
You make my night then turn around and destroy my day
I wish you make up your mind or I might go away
How can you be so mean and nice, at the same time
Are your hormones kicking you in overdrive?
I love you baby but sometimes I really don’t know why
When I met you all the other girls couldn’t compare
Little did I know your middle name was “Beware”
Instead of games for two, you got me playing solitaire

How can you be so mean and nice, at the same time
Are your hormones kicking you in overdrive?
I love you baby but sometimes I really don’t know why

Obligatory Blues Riff Solo

I miss you so, even though you are always by my side
You got me comin’ and goin’, sometimes I just want to cry
But if I didn’t have you, I’d just want to curl up and die
How can you be so mean and nice, at the same time
Are your hormones kicking you in overdrive?
I love you baby but sometimes I really don’t know why

Obligatory Blues Riff Solo and Fade Out

Kick Back, Get Down

Kick Back, Get Down Kick Back, Get Down

From Coast to Coast
And miles around
There’s one thing
That I have found
Before the beat
And you hear the sound
First You Kick Back
Then You Get Down

Kick Back, Get Down Kick Back, Get Down

Take off your shoes
And lay around
Take it slow
Then do it loud
See the beat
Feel the sound
First You Kick Back
Then You Get Down

Kick Back, Get Down Kick Back, Get Down

There is one phrase
That’s both a verb and noun
Please join me now
Shout it to the crowd
Take it slow
But do it loud
First You Kick Back
Then You Get Down

Hell No. You Lie!

Hello Goodbye ( The Beatles )

If Lennon wrote a Beatles Break up song to Paul, this would be it.

Band broke up, when I left
I was the first, But you got the credit–no
You told a lie, I was first to go
Hell no, hell no
You told a lie, I was first to go
Hell no, hell no
You told a Big Paulie lie
I was first to go

You told me, don’t let them know
Then you said you left
You were the first to go
Hell No
You told a lie, I was first to go
Hell no, You lie
Hell no, You lie
You told a Big Paulie lie
I was first to go

Why, why, why, why, why, why
Did you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
Cry, baby, cry, cry, cry, cry

Hell no
You told a lie, I was first to go
Hell no
Hell no
You told a Big Paulie lie
I say Hell no
Hell no. Hell no
You told a Big Paulie lie
I say Hell no
Hell no, Hell no

Your Daughters

Daughters ( John Mayer )

I, don’t know why
I do and say all those weird things
I should shut my trap, so I don’t say crap
And stick to songs and sing

They all look at me, constantly
Wherever I go
My life is a mess, as I put to the test
People I know

So parents let me give you some advice
Something that will answer your prayers
If I ask once or even ask twice
Don’t let your daughters go out with me, John Mayer

If, you have a doubt
You should check out
Playboy and Rolling Stone
Then you will see and will believe
I should leave your daughters alone

So parents let me give you some advice
Something that will answer your prayers
If I ask once or even ask twice
Don’t let your daughters go out with me, John Mayer

Boy, I’m so insane
I don’t think everything is connected in my brain
If I were you guys
I’d hide my daughters away from these eyes
And pray I would go far, far away

On behalf of every girl
Who lives around the world
Go tell all your friends
As I say again

So parents let me give you some advice
Something that will answer your prayers
If I ask once or even ask twice
Don’t let your daughters go out with me, John Mayer

Mr Wise Guy

Mr Blue Sky ( ELO )

Seems to be there is a guy
That everybody knows
When his mouth opens all the right words seem to flow
He’s so funny
All the people love him so, oh,oh

When your down he’ll pick you up
Makes sure the missing smile comes back to your face
So the world’s a better place
Mr Wise Guy make me smile, I can’t wait, heh, heh

Mr Wise Guy, be by our side
And make us laugh loud
Makes the world go round

Hey you in a bad mood
I know who can fill this room
With miles of smiles, Mr Wise Guy will take us there
Where we don’t worry about any cares

Hey there, Mister Wise
Make us laugh until we cry
Laughter is the reason why
We just don’t curl up and die

Mr Wise Guy, Mr Wise Guy
Mr Wise Guy

Mr Wise you make us laugh
And that’s what the whole world needs everyday
Someone special to chase all the blues away
Mr Wise Guy did I ever thank
Thank you for making my day

Mr Wise Guy, be by our side
And make us laugh loud
Makes the world go round

Hey there Mister Wise
Can’t live on and this is why
Laughter makes us all get by
And without you we would die
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Monopolize

Apologize ( Timberland )

I’m holding on to Park Place
To keep your cash flow down
I’m buying so much property
You race car just goes round and round

Everything that you want
Is something I already found
And now it’s time to tell you
That awful Milton Bradley sound

It’s too late to Monopolize
It’s too late
It’s too late to Monopolize
It’s too late

You can land on Chance
Or on Community Chest
But as for the other property
I’m afraid I own the rest

I own all four railroads
Water Works and Electricity
Even when you Pass Go
You will end up owing me

It’s too late to Monopolize
It’s too late
It’s too late to Monopolize
It’s too late

It’s too late to Monopolize
It’s too late
It’s too late to Monopolize
It’s too late

Apologize ( Timberland )

21 Ways

21 Guns ( Green Day )

After watching all the Food Network shows
I know everything there is to know
Every recipe that I wrote down
I stayed home and I baked them

But of all the dishes I cooked
There is one that gets a second look
Cause you can make it so many different ways
In your kitchen

There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, with egg yolks and whites
There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, let’s have one tonight

It’s a French creame patissiere
Base flavored cream sauce or puree
Egg whites beaten to a soft meringue
Then its ready for the oven

When it comes out it’s fluffy and light
That’s how you tell you did it just right
In 5 or 10 minutes it will begin to fall down
Don’t worry, that’s normal

You can make them in all sizes and shapes
It doesn’t matter, it will always taste great
A savory main dish or a sweetened dessert
A classic, French pastry

There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, with egg yolks and whites
There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, let’s have one tonight

You can use different combinations
So you can get many variations
Jams, berries, fruit or potatoes
They all add up to the same number

If you have free time in your life
And you want to impress your wife
Take the time to watch the food shows
Once you do, you will say

There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, with egg yolks and whites
There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, let’s have one tonight

There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, with egg yolks and whites
There’s, 21 Ways
To make a souffle, let’s have one tonight

My Ben Gay Cream

“Your Wildest Dreams” ( The Moody Blues )

I have reached that stage
When I feel my age
It’s hard to rebound
From the creaking sounds
My muscles and my joints
Their finally catching
Up with me
Now I constantly use
My Ben Gay Cream

Once I healed so fast
Now some days I can’t move my ass
Some days my back is spent
In positions it wasn’t meant
My muscles and my joints
Are finally catching
Up with me
Now I constantly use
My Ben Gay Cream

And when I put it on
My wife and kids
They start to cry
When I put it on
I’m shown the door
They put me outside
When I put it on
I’m so hooked on it
It’s really hard to quit
Their afraid for me
And that I might OD
Maybe I’ll cut back
And buy their Pain Relieving Patch
But for now I’m using
My Ben Gay Cream

And when I put it on
It takes me to an
Ultra Strength World
When I put it on
And when I put it on
I feel the heat
It penetrates me
When I put it on

But I’ve gone too far
Time for a new start
And I did enlist
Joined Ben Gay Anonymous
I’m no longer a wreck
And giving people
A Gag reflex
Never will you see me
Use My Ben Gay Cream
Use My Ben Gay Cream
Use My Ben Gay Cream