The Legend of Stink Bug Doug

29 09 2010

Now gather round children there’s a tale to be spread
Of one of God’s little creatures, that everyone dreads
It only measures 14.0 to 19.0mm long
But can emit an unpleasant odor that’s oh so strong

These brown little souls usually live overseas
Except this year they came over to visit with me
And leading this march is one little cleaver pest
His name is Stink Bug Doug and I will tell you the rest

It was a cool September day, the year of 2010
When I first came upon my little buggy friend
Alone in the family room with my hand on the remote
I noticed a presence on my shoulder, that gave me a jolt

Adjusting my glasses from far away to near
I could not believe what now appeared
A little round bug with a gleam in his eye
He slowly raised it’s head and turned to me and said “Hi”

I thought for a moment as I shook my head
Thinking that the greeting I heard, came from the TV instead
But when I faced the LCD screen my fears were new born
All 4 sportswriters wide eyed were looking at me, from Around The Horn

I turned their stares off as I started to ponder my present fate
Maybe it was in my head, since last night I was out way too late
But before I had a chance to blame it on a bottle of Jim Crow
I heard in a little Halyomorpha halys voice. ” Excuse me, I said Hello.”

Again I turned toward my left shoulder blade
This time less in shock, but now more afraid
There quite peaceful resting on my white polo shirt
Was a small little bug, whose outside shell, looked like dirt

No bigger than a quarter, more like a nickel size
With a white band stretched crossed his antennae
He was lying there with all his legs, extended flat unabashed
As he turned to me he said, ” Man I’m tired. Mind if I just crash?”

“Excuse Me” I said, in my best Steve Martin voice
“Your laying on my body. What gives you that choice?
I’m 40,000 times your size and your weight
I can just flick you off and crush you like a grape

I am a superior human being, our kind will never succumb
Look at me , we even have opposable thumbs
To lay there all comfy on my 100% cotton apparel
If I were you bug, I’d fear for your life, cause it is in peril”

He neither stirred or flinched as he continued to stretch
As he cozied into a little fabric mesh
Ignoring my threat, I raised my right hand to strike
To flick him high and long like a place kicker might

But just before my index finger did it’s follow through
He lifted one of his small legs and the stench filled the room
The odor engrossed the air as he sat there so snug
Lifted his head toward me and said ” I’m Doug. Your personal stink bug.”

The paint on the walls started to run to the floor below
While the pictures of my relatives all began to hold their nose
The fog that filled the space reminded me of London Town
As I screamed for some help, but couldn’t make a sound

I coughed and I wheezed as I tried to catch some relief
“This is the worst thing I ever smelled,” I cried in disbelief
That bug just looked up at me and said, ” You think that was rough.
I have a total of six legs, that one leg was a powder puff.”

After an hour the family room came back to normalcy
As I tried to cope with my new-found reality
“Why are you here? Are you an alien from Men in Black?
How long are you staying? When are you going back?”

The questions were flying out from every direction
Until I got an answer that would curb my suspicion
The bug raised one leg to its mouth as to say
“If you just let me talk, I’ll gladly explain.”

“I come from far away where the Pacific Ocean lands
From two little countries, China and Japan
Hitching a ride on crates with my family and friends
We’ve been here since 1998, on vacation since then

Staking out territories from near and far
And I’ve chosen this spot to live, and there you are
For over twelve years I’ve compared and I shopped
It’s time to put down roots and this is my stop.”

I said, ” What if I don’t want you to live here with me?”
“What’s the worse can you do?” He said, ” You don’t want to see.”
“I’ll call Termanix and every Pest company I know.”
He replied,” Then I’ll lift both my rear legs and you’ll never reach the phone.”

I started to call his bluff as I reached for my cell
But he had a look in his buggy eye that was straight out of hell
” Now listen,” he said, ” It won’t really be that bad I think
As long as your nice to me, I promise I won’t stink”

“The reason I chose you is because of your Verizon Fios plan.
Not to mention the greatest looking HD TV in the whole of Maryland.
Back in my old country they have no cable and strict internet
And to a bug like me, that makes me stinking upset

No Letterman, CSI, TBS, or even CNN
And the channel every bug loves; ESPN
We need our fix of SporstCenter and PTI
Plus Around The Horn, we just love those crazy guys.”

As he spoke a thought had popped into my brain
Maybe we could both co-exist and I started to explain
” You are but a little bug, my family won’t notice you here if you hide.
And as long as you keep your legs down, you’ll be most welcome inside

Underneath the sofa you can watch all the sports with content
Since I also love to watch sports, our paths were destined to have met
But there is one thing that I ask, something you can do on command
With the special odor powers you possesses, that can help this old family man

Sometimes I like to watch a sporting event on this big HD TV
But lately my wife and kids overrule any chance for me
Gilmore Girls or a Chick Flick Film, even a reality show it’s true
And when those shows are finally over, sadly my sports are too

Yet if there was some reason, for them not to stay around the room
Say a little odor that will clear them out with a zoom
That’s where you come in my friend, a fellow sports enthusiast
We can have the place to ourselves with little help from your mist”

So last week was the first test as we watched Big 10 College games
When the family came in and started to complain
They picked up the remote and turn the channel to QVC
Before they had time to call, my friend picked up his leg,you see

They all turned to me and said, ” God Dad, that’s so rude.
This place stinks. You can have your stupid sports tube.”
As they quickly ran out, we were so happy as can be
Me on the couch and underneath, my own personal….. SBD.

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